operation harelip BJ is a go
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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