She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
