The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
