i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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