Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
