The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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