Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
