If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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