not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
