somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
