I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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