Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize