we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
