I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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