you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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