i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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