You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
