i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
