she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
