Just fell off a train. Bad.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
