I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
