Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
