She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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