Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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