It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
