Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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