his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
