My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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