i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
