There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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