Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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