My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
