Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
