You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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