i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
