Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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