I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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