happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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