I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
