I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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