did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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