i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
