Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
