a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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