I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
