Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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