My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
