gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
