man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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