Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
