I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
