I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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