You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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